You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
