i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Randomize
