on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
