I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
