she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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