It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
