I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Every concussion has its silver lining
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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