It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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