Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
