We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
