I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
