wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
