Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
