Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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