Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
