the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
