We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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