A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
