I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
