i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
