I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
