Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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