RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
