Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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