I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
