u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think my vagina is haunted
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
