Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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