Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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