sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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