Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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