Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
