Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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