Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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