If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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