i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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