Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
My bed smells like the plague
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
