I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
