just tell him i said nine months
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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