nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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