He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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