Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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