i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
