I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
