Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
