I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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