i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
