You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
