I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
