he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
