here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
