I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
