I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
