your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
