never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
