Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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