If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
