My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
