Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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